Mass Effect: An Angsty Christmas Carol
by ArchLucie
Summary: Shepard is trapped under the rubble after falling out of the Citadel. She struggles to find a reason to live. With a little help from old friends, the Ghosts of Past, Present, and Future, will she find it in herself to accept the choice she's made? WARNING: There is so much angst here. The first chapter is heavy and dark but lightens as it goes. Happy ending! FemShep/Kaidan.
1. At Death's Door

A/N: Shepard is trapped under the rubble and is visited by old friends. This is soo angsty, dark themes, this first chapter ecspecially, but I promise it gets better! It's based on A Christmas Carol so it obviously has a sugary sweet, fluffy happy ending! **Promise!**

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><p>Shepard woke up with a pain in her chest. She could barely breath, and when she tried, it hurt like hell. A deep ache, a strange mixture between a knife wound and an acid burn. She would know, she was all too familiar with both. The burning, the stabbing, the sheer pain. It was too much.<p>

_Breath. In. Breath. Out._

_Or don't?_

Or don't. A small voice, a drumming through her brain like a cadence, a mantra, a siren song tempting her to give in, to give up, to end this. To be still, to be silent, to be free of her reconstructed body for good.

That sounded particularly appetizing in her current state. She didn't think she was hallucinating, although it was hard to tell with the haziness in her head, the pounding between her eyes, the odd sense of euphoria that swirled around her when she held her breath slightly, the act momentarily ceasing the fire ravaging her body.

It felt good. It felt right. Don't fight it. Let it take you. Let it embrace you. Let it envelope your body with the promise to numb all your pain, all your suffering, all your anguish and bitter hatred. And...all your love?

How easy would it be to just let go? To let the pain of her broken body slip away into the darkness? The suffering she'd been through all her life, to let the weight that she'd been carrying since she stepped foot on Eden Prime to fade into a peace...a peaceful...a peaceful death?

She tried to move, tried to free herself from the huge hunk of rubble that was held on top of her by gravity.

Gravity: _the force that attracts a body toward the center of the earth, or toward any other physical body having mass. _More accurately to her, the thing that was crushing and burying her alive under a hunk of twisted metal and concrete. A chunk of the Citadel, if she had to guess.

She had to move. She needed to free herself, but it was too much. The debris was too heavy. She was too weak. Her suit was concaving against her and digging into her body. The heavy weave that was supposed to protect her was slowly transforming into her tomb, wrapping around her body until it finally consumed her.

_But wait...?!_

She wasn't wearing armor. It had disintegrated before her eyes when Harbinger blasted her with its red heat. It was her own bones that were threatening to collapse inward on her, to cradle her organs before smashing them into mush.

"Well, now everything makes sense," she said. She thought she said. She felt her lips move but she didn't hear the words. No vibrations on her eardrums, only the movement of her chapped and splitting lips, painful even to the touch of her own tongue when it licked them.

Yes, it all made sense. She was dead. She died. She didn't make it to the beam, didn't make it onto the Citadel, didn't face off with that asshole. T-I-M. She never shot Anderson. _Relief._ She didn't get onto the platform. She didn't talk to the ignorant piece of photons that was the Catalyst.

She should have known. Surely, an all encompassing machine would have been able to solve the organics versus synthetics problem _IF_ that really was its goal. For fuck's sake, she did and she's a nobody.

She's just a former street thug gang banger turned First Human Spectre all because she knew how to use a gun. Big fucking deal. There had to have been others that were just as worthy, more so even, to fly the Normandy, to be the face of the galaxy, to make a decision so big it would reverberate till the end of time.

Right place, right time. Elysium. It wasn't even her ticket. It wasn't supposed to be _her_ vacation. Her friend got sick. Fate intervened. Now, all these years later, it was catching up to her. Fate was a cruel mistress and she was set on rectifying her mistake. Making her pay for stealing someone else's.

_OH GOD! It fucking hurts!_

If she was dead, why did it still hurt?

Hell?

Shit.

Hell, she was in hell. She should have known that too. She should have known that her sins would have caught up to her eventually. God, she had so many, so many mistakes, so many faults to atone for. She was dead so she obviously didn't save the galaxy like she set out to do. That was supposed to be her penance. That was supposed to absolve her.

But it didn't.

And now, it was gone. It was too late. She was in hell. This was her torture chamber. Garrus was wrong. There was no bar, only pain. Only everlasting torment. Only Hell. Only his demons to wrestle with until the end of time, for an eternity.

Damn, that was a long time. That was going to be _a long time_. So long that she couldn't even comprehend it. Eternity. That was forever. There was no coming back, no escape. There was no end. It was infinite.

How long had she been here? How long had she been suffering? How long had she been trapped like an animal in a cage waiting for death? Hoping for death to relieve her of her painful burden. She was already dead; there would be no relief. Ever.

In eternity, time had no meaning. It could have been seconds, it could have been centuries since she woke up. Since she took the first breath that stung every inch of her. But it only felt like minutes.

That in and of itself was torture enough. Mental torture. The pain was fresh and raw. Even if it had been a millennia, it all felt too new, too novel. Almost too much for her to bare. It felt like she just woke up and took that first strained breath under the weight above her that was pinning her down to the scorched Earth.

She tried to look around. Her head felt sluggish as if her brain was swimming around in there freely, sloshing around in aqueous fluid. It would hardly cooperate. Not that it mattered. Not anymore. From what she did see, there was nothing. She was in a barren waste land, alone with her pain and her suffering and her hell.

Fire and brimstone piled up everywhere. She couldn't make out the horizon, only the destruction around her. But it was peaceful, serene. The foggy haze of war painted like a priceless piece of art in a museum. The colors blending together into an exquisite work by the gods themselves. Red and grays. It was so beautiful that it didn't look real.

She didn't want it to be real, but she smelled it. She smelt the burning of bodies, the burning of buildings, the burning of souls. She couldn't see them, but she knew. War had an aroma that you could never forget. It seeping into her nose and took up residence in a deep part of her brain that refused to be cleansed. That would never be cleansed.

She couldn't see the bodies, but she knew...

_KAIDAN!?_

She didn't see him. There was not a glimpse of that dark obsidian hair, those honey eyes, the ever present stubble on that chin of his to been seen.

"Kaidan!" she yelled. Tried to yell? She felt her lips moving but she didn't hear the words. She didn't hear a reply. She didn't hear anything but the swirling of blood through her own ears, the crimson life fluid flowing and moving in her veins.

"Kaidan?" She yelled till her lungs burned like fire, like lava was oozing out of every orifice and drowning her, like napalm coated the tissues inside her waiting patiently for a match, like she swallowed sand.

Nothing.

She felt the tears running down to her temples, the stinging of salt in her eyes. There was a panic overtaking her, the primitive need to protect her mate, to make sure he was alive, to make sure he wasn't here with her in hell. She didn't want to see him, not here in hell. But she did.

Spirits, she did. So badly, she so uncontrollable did!

Darkness.

**XoXoX**

She woke up to a heavy warmth on her cheek. She breathed deep. It hurt. She didn't have to turn her head to know that it was the sun beating down on her. The rays slipping slowly through the heavy air to reach her, to burn her, to punish her by waking her up so that she could feel the pain that her body was enduring.

It was morning. Or afternoon. Or evening. She didn't have the sense to care. She didn't have the strength to, either.

At first, she thought the heat was from the fires coming to claim her, the fires of hell. To mark her skin with their flames, to burn her so hot without burning her up. For all of eternity. She sighed in relief when she realized that it wasn't. Just the sun. The small round circle of light that gave life to the entire planet.

_The sun? Why is there a sun in hell?_

"I'm not dead." This time she heard the words.

She knew it was true. She was still alive. That's why she hurt so badly but wasn't sizzling, why her skin wasn't blackened and blistered.

She cried again. Out of sadness to still be suffering, but also out of a strange feeling of joy, of relief, to know that she was so close, to know she was on her way to death. She wasn't there yet, but she was close, and getting closer by the minute.

She wanted to be there already. She didn't want to hurt anymore. She didn't want to feel the sinking feeling in her chest that she was the sole survivor, that she was the last remnant of life in the galaxy. She didn't want that burden. There was only her in this place. No one else. She was alone. She was going to die alone.

The Reapers would find her soon. They would lay the claim to her body that the empty flames would not. They would end her suffering.

How did everything get so fucked up? Why was she wishing for the Reapers to save her? How could she think that, hope that, want that, after everything they've done, after everything she'd seen? After all the fighting she'd done against them? She was wanting them now, to find her, to end her.

_I just want everything to be over. I'm sorry, Kaidan...I'm so sorry. I failed you. I failed everyone. And I'm so tired. So fucking tired. I hope you're safe. In Heaven, in the afterlife where you belong. Away from all the pain I've caused you. You deserve so much more, so much better._

"Skipper," came a soft voice out of the silence.

She froze. That wasn't hard to do. She was trapped after all, pinned, in too much pain to move, to look around much.

"Hey, Skipper? Over here," the feminine melody rang out. The sweet sound almost made her ears bleed with its beauty.

She blinked and turned her head slightly in the direction that she thought she heard the voice coming from. But there was nothing there. There was nothing, no one, anywhere. The voice had come from everywhere at once.

"Shepard! Look at me!" the voice demanded.

It sounded so familiar, so safe, so heavenly.

Suddenly, out of the hazy red of war, she saw the outline of a body, a person, a woman. She sauntered closer as her eyes tried hard to focus on the image before her. She was close to death, circling the wagon. Her brain was starting to spit out the chemicals associated with death that Mordin had told her about. She was just a mirage. She couldn't be real.

But why a woman? She wanted to see Kaidan. Kaidan was the face that was supposed to usher her into death. The last thing she saw as she let go for good.

_Goddamn you brain! You couldn't even give me that? Fuck you!_

The woman was wearing a bright pink dress, the fabric flowing in the dusty wind. She couldn't make out her features, but she looked fit, toned, the body of a soldier, she assumed. She walked closer and closer until she blocked out the midday sun on her face. Then, she leaned down and smiled, warm and kind.

That's when she saw her face. A face she never thought she would ever see again. Maybe hoped that she wouldn't. Like an angel in the red haze, she was beautiful. But her guilt. Oh god, her guilt. She sacrificed Ash for Kaidan, for her own selfish gain, for the heart that couldn't bare the thought of losing the only peace it had ever found in this life.

"ASH?!"

This was it! It was over! The pain was going to end. She was going to lead her to...to...

_But how?_

She didn't deserve that. She didn't deserve to be in that bar with Garrus. She didn't deserve to be happy, to be safe, to be with them, with Kaidan behind the pearly gates. She was beyond redemption. She lost Ash, Mordin, Legion. Pressly, the twenty souls on the SR-1 and countless others.

And again on the Catalyst, she forced a rash choice on the galaxy. Another selfish decision she made only for the possibility that she could be with Kaidan once more.

Control.

Synthesis.

Destroy.

_"I'll never doubt you again."_

_"I'm gonna fight like hell to hold you again."_

_"I'm sorry about Horizon, again."_

_I'm going to die, again._

She destroyed the Geth. She destroyed EDI, a friend. She shot Anderson...

Yet, here she was!

Here she was, to take her to Heaven. To lead the way.

"I love you, Kaidan. Always."


	2. Ghost of Christmas Past (Ash)

A/N: Here, we meet the Ghost of Chrismas Past. It's Ash! This is not nearly as angsty as the first chapter.

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><p>"Hey, Skipper! Get your ass up! We have a lot to do. He'll be here soon and you don't have long to make your choice."<p>

"What choice?"

"To forgive yourself, mostly. You're such a hardass! You're a stubborn woman set in her ways. There was never any doubt about that. But if you want to get back to our LT, you'll have to come with me."

"But, Ash? Why are you doing this? I killed you...I chose to leave you behind...I don't want to make anymore choices! Haven't I done enough? Enough damage?"

"Get over yourself already! Geez! It's not all about you, you know. Just come with me and you'll understand," she said with a warm inviting smile.

"What are you doing here, Ash?"

"Take my hand and I'll show you," she smirked.

"Ash...I'm trapped. I can't move."

"You're such a baby."

"Where are we going?"

"Dammit, Shepard! Enough with the twenty questions."

"Are you taking me to him? Are you taking me to Heaven? To see Kaidan?"

"I'm not an angel, Skipper. I'm a ghost. The Ghost of Christmas past to be exact."

"Ash, it's not Christmas!"

"It will be in a few more weeks. You guys have been so wrapped up in war that you've almost forgotten that it was coming. And we're close enough, a week, ten days out maybe. Now, move your ass soldier. That's an order!"

"Dammit, Ash! I told you I can't. I'm buried under here!"

"Are you?" she said, quirking up an eyebrow.

Shepard eyed her for a moment before trying once again to break free from her heavy stone restraints. And once again, she failed horribly.

"I can't," she whimpered softly. "I...Ash I can't."

"Fine," she huffed. "Let me help you, but you have to lift, too. I'm just a weak damsel in distress like you," she teased.

She tried again to break free. And with Ashley's help, this time it was so easy, so simple. So...confusing. She slid out with ease, the hunk of concrete slamming back down sending dust flying up every which way. She heard Ash cough, but her lungs were much too tired for that.

"But how?" she managed to asked after catching her breath.

"We really don't have time for this," Ash said as she cocked out her hip and crossed her arms. She let out a sigh before reaching out her hand to help Shepard to her feet.

She turned around quickly expecting to see her body still lying there. She was going to Heaven, and she had to leave her body to do so. It should have been there, but it wasn't. And oddly, she felt no pain. Her lungs were no longer burning, her ribs felt whole and unbroken, her dislocated shoulder wasn't even sore.

She wasn't going to complain.

"Where are we going?" she asked again, just to be sure.

"Into the past."

"Ash!"

"Commander! Just trust me, okay? You owe me that much."

She was right. And she did, she did trust her. Always had.

She squeezed her hand for her answer and Ash started to lead her down the pile of rock that she was nearly perched upon. There was a bright bluish white light in front of them and she pulled her towards it. She had to cover her eyes to keep from being blinded, but she didn't dare let go of her hand.

"It won't hurt. I promise!" Ash said over her shoulder.

It didn't.

It must have been some sort of portal, a worm hole maybe, because they emerged from the other side in a small room. Her eyes had to adjust to the dim light before she was able to recognize it. But she did, and it pretty much knocked the wind out of her.

She was in her childhood home. The one she lived in before being taken away to the orphanage. It was small but cozy. There was a scantily decorated Christmas tree in the corner, only three presents under the tree, old socks for stockings hung nearby, and a small plate of cookies next to a glass of something that was obviously synthetic milk.

"Why are you showing me this? Can they see us?"

"No...Do you remember this Christmas?"

"Yes."

"The last Christmas you had with your parents?"

"Yes. I was...happy."

Just then, a small child, dark auburn hair and bright green eyes, ran into the room. A man, her father, teetered in behind her tiredly. He grabbed the girl, hung her upside down, and tickled her until she could hardly breath. The girl's laugh echoed off the plain beige walls, and the man smiled proudly, as did Shepard.

_"That's enough,"_ called a calm voice as it entered the room.

"Mom," Shepard said sadly as she watched the woman move closer to the father and daughter to give them both a kiss on the cheek. She couldn't see their features, did remember what they looked like, only that she knew exactly who they were.

_"It's Christmas Eve! Time to open one present, child."_

_"But mom! I can't wait till morning for the rest!"_ whined the girl.

_"Janie, one tonight. The rest tomorrow,"_ she said firmly.

The girl huffed defiantly until a small present was placed in her hands. Her eyes went wide as she looked up at her mother. She gave a small nod and she went to work ripping off the soft brown paper wrapping. Underneath, was a box that she tore into immediately. Her eyes went even wider as she reached inside to pull out a small wooden spaceship.

"My parents spent an entire month's worth of wages on that," Shepard said, holding back a few tears. She loved that ship. It was her most prized possession until some older kid stole it and broke it at the orphanage. She felt a soft hand of comfort on her shoulder that she leaned into. "Why are you showing me this, Ash?"

"You needed to remember that you were loved once. You've nearly forgotten that you were worthy of something like that. Something so grand yet so simplistic."

"I don't want to remember! The only thing that comes out of this memory is pain! They...," she swallowed a lump that formed in her throat.

"They died two months after this," Ashley continued for her.

She only nodded.

"They loved you until the end. Wasn't that enough?"

"I want to go. Please take me back!"

"I have more to show you. This isn't the end."

"ASH! Take me back!" she said. She gave one last look at her parents before turning away. They were sitting together on the couch, her mother's legs strewn over her father's lap, one hand playing with the hair on the back of his neck, his hands lovingly massaging her thighs, both looking on contently at their happy daughter before them.

"They didn't abandon you. I know that's what you think, how you feel, but you're wrong. They loved you. They didn't want to leave."

"Ash, I'm not going to say it again," she growled.

"Remember how you left Kaidan? How you felt? The guilt, the sorrow? That's how they felt. You know that right? That's how they feel about that little girl right there?" she said, pointing to her younger self.

"Ash, please," she pleaded.

"She deserved their love. She was worthy of it. And so are you," she said softly. She looked at her, eyes red-rimmed and glossy. Ash sighed and added "You win...let's move out."

They walked into the light again. When they came out on the other side, they were in a pitch black room. Her eyes adjusted once more until she saw another Christmas tree right in front of her. This one was big and elegantly decorated. But this time, she didn't recognize the place, didn't know that tree.

"Where are we?" she whispered.

"Christmas, 2169. You were fifteen."

"Ah shit."

Just then, they heard a rustling behind them. They spun to see a tall, lanky girl with the same bright green eyes as before. She was holding a bag in one hand and a knife in the other. Her clothes were raggedy and tattered. Behind her was a boy, a little bit older and shorter with a slightly huskier build.

_Finch._

The two of them slinked quietly to the tree and began to place all the presents into their bags.

Shepard shook her head disapprovingly. _Dammit!_

"I ruined their Christmas. See, Ash! I told you I wasn't worthy. I'm not worthy of anything. The things I've done, the pain I've caused. He'll...he'll be better off without me...I, I've made my decision."

"Such a diva! We aren't done yet. You can't decide until the end, but this ride has just started."

_"Hey Shep, you take the living room. I'll go check out that office. This score outta feed us for a month!" _Finch whispered excitedly.

_"Shut the hell up, Finch,"_ the teenaged Jane whispered back as she rolled her eyes. She did what the older boy told her, and Shepard and Ashley followed her into the living room. The young woman looked around for anything valuable that she could take.

Shepard remembered parts of that night. It was a long time ago, but she could not forget ruining some poor family's Christmas. She was so hungry, so cold. Her clothes were literally falling apart at the seams. She desperately needed a new pair of shoes if she hoped to get through another Vancouver winter without pneumonia. And she could practically hear her younger self's tummy rumbling from across the room.

She scanned the room for her younger self only to stop dead in her tracks at a picture on one of the end tables. It was of a family of three: mom, dad, son. They were standing in..._No, that can't be right! _They were standing in an orchard, trees full of ripe apples behind them. It looked like..._No! That can't be right!_

"Ash, is this—"

"Yep."

"But I don't...how? Is my brain playing tricks on me?"

"I think that's what you would call kismet!"

"I robbed my boyfriend sixteen years ago?"

"You know that old model of the SSV Einstein you have in your cabin? Yeah, that was supposed to be his," she snickered.

"SHIT! See, I told you already. I'm not good enough for him! Just...just let me die...please Ash, I can't take anymore of this. I want to go back."

"First of all, you didn't ruin anyone's Christmas. Kaidan was happy about it actually. He was in an anti-commercialism, anti-conformist kick after BAaT. All you did was piss off his parents which he thought that was funny. Secondly, you and I have one more stop to make before I turn you over to your next guide."

"None of this makes any sense. Am I dead or am I dreaming?"

"Neither," she sighed. "Okay, look...the best way I can describe it is...well, you're having an out of body experience. I think that's the closest explanation I can give you. That's why it doesn't hurt right now. So, just sit back and learn something. It'll be over soon, I promise."

"Who's my next guide?"

"Another old friend," she smirked.

"I could have controlled them, you know? I could have used them to rebuild, to pass on knowledge long since forgotten. Medicine, technology, science, and culture. I should have done that. I should have chosen that one. Kaidan doesn't deserve a coward like me. How many people could I have helped that way?"

"You are just a woman. Do you think you should be playing god? I love you Shepard, but you'd be a terrible one. And besides, who's to say that that would have actually worked anyway? What if the power went to your head since your such a bad person and all?"

"Ash!"

"Hey, those are your feelings about yourself not mine. But do you really think that that would have been a good idea, though?"

"I don't know, but I should have thought about it more instead of blindly following my heart."

"Shepard! You idiot! That's how you got up there in the first place, your heart. You do have one, you know? A big one, for your crew, for Humanity, for life, for your friends. That's why this hurts so much. Do you really think that becoming one of them, something so powerful that caused so much death and destruction, the very thing you vowed to destroy at all costs, would have absolved you and you're keenness on repentance?"

"No...No, I guess not."

"Alright then, come on!"

Ash dragged her into the bright white light once more. They stepped out onto Arcturus Station. The image was so vivid that she could smell it, the distinct aroma of metal and soldiers. Ashley had to pull her out of the way as a group full of them went rushing by. They all had Santa hats on with their BDU's, buzzed heads, and N7's on their shoulders.

She hated having to buzz her hair. She almost looked as weird as Jack.

In the middle of the group, she saw herself. She was older now. It was after the Blitz. She had the scars on her brow, and she looked like a young eager soldier ready to take on the galaxy.

_You have no idea what you're getting yourself into,_ she thought to herself. She wanted to run to her and shake her until she agreed not to accept Anderson's offer. _Don't go on the Normandy! It'll break you, wear you down, kill you, bring you back only to destroy you over and over! Kaidan...Kaidan'll be better off without you! Everyone will._

"An N7 Christmas party! Woohoo! Let's go, Skipper," Ash said, pulling her along behind the crowd.

It was her first Christmas after her N7 graduation. The whole class, all eight that finished, threw a big celebration on the station and practically invited the whole Alliance military. They danced, they drank, they danced some more. Naturally, everyone made fun of her for her 'enthusiastic' dancing style.

She was talking to a group of friends, one face stood out. _Joker. _He was smiling, something he didn't do often. But there it was, wide and carefree. No, not smiling, beaming with pride for his friend.

_I'm sorry, Joker. I killed her. I killed the love of your life. It's my fault. It was my choice. How? How could I ever look you in the eye again? Shake your hand? I can't._

"I think someone's checking your younger self out, Skipper," Ash smirked as she bumped her arm with her own. She pointed towards the bar.

Shepard looked. Her breath caught in her throat. It was her Kaidan. A younger version, but she recognized him immediately. She looked over to her younger self and watched as she walked over to the bar. Kaidan turned around, most likely hoping he was invisible, if Shepard knew him.

The young Shepard squeezed in beside him and waved down the bartender. She downed a shot and smiled at Kaidan. Then, she grabbed the young man's hand and basically dragged him onto the dance floor without warning. It didn't look like they said much, if anything at all.

"Why don't I remember this?"

"You were pretty hammered, Commander."

"That's him though, right? We danced?" she asked, not willing to take her eyes off the pair of them.

"I'd say," Ash snickered. "It's been awhile but I think that looks like a helluva lot more than dancing, Shepard!" she added when they kissed.

Shepard could tell the younger Kaidan was drunk, but he didn't pull away. They kissed for what seemed like hours, under the dark lights of the club, cocooned in the pounding beats of the music, oblivious to the world around them, arms mapping the other's body delicately.

They both looked sad when a man behind Shepard pulled them apart. He dragged Shepard away while she smiled goofily at Kaidan. She waved playfully before a few of her fellow N's picked her up and carried her out of the club. Their eyes never left the other until they were out of each other's sights.

"This is the second time your paths crossed before you officially met. I told you, kismet! Destiny! Fate!"

"I love him, Ash."

"I know...It's getting late. We should be heading back."

Instantaneously, the crowded room around them vanished. They were transported back among the rubble. Shepard expected to be trapped under the concrete again, but she wasn't. She was laying flat on her back looking up at the hazy sky. She could faintly make out the pile of rock she had been buried under in the distance.

She was so confused, but Ash brought her out of her impossible thoughts when she bent down to kiss her cheek.

"I never blamed you. Never have, never will. You don't blame yourself either, okay? My fate was to die that day, and I fulfilled it. I'm okay now. You can forgive yourself now. Can you do that for me? Can you be happy? For me? If anyone deserves it, it's you, Commander."

"I can. I will, Ash. I promise!"

"Good! I'm so proud of you, Shepard. Now, I never had the chance to meet your other guides, but I know you loved them just as much as you loved me. Give them a chance! Then, you can make your choice. Okay?"

"Okay, okay Ash. I can do that. I miss you so much!" she said, tears once again falling down her cheeks.

"I know...Oh, one more thing, Skipper. I am expecting at least one Ash Shepard-Alenko. Understand?"

"Yeah, I understand."

She gave her one last smile before disappearing into the air. And with that, all her pain came flooding back.


	3. Ghost of Christmas Present (Mordin)

A/N: Shepard is shown the present by another friendly face. Hope I got him right.

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><p>"Shepard," said a voice that woke her. The sun was long gone, only darkness greeted her when her eyes shot open before slamming shut quickly. It was night. The sky was cloudy, she couldn't see any stars, although it was probably just the dust of war that had been kicked up into the air.<p>

"Rapid eye movement has ceased, breathing is labored, eyes slowly gaining strength to stay open. Yes, yes. You're awake," said a pleasant voice beside her.

Shepard turned her head awkwardly to see her favorite Scientist Salarian moving to hunch over her, a cold yet comforting three digit hand on her shoulder, big black eyes blinking at her as she stared up into them, getting lost as the memories of him swirled violently around in her mind.

_Another dead comrade. I'm so sorry!_

"Mordin?"

"Yes, Shepard. How can I help?"

"I'm dying. I need medi-gel, a hospital, medical treatment. You can help me right?"

"That is why I'm here. Ash is persistent. Like her a lot. Stubborn, but who do you know that isn't?"

Shepard wanted to laugh at that, but her lungs revolted and sent her into a coughing fit. It hurt. God, it hurt. Since Ash left yesterday, hours ago, weeks ago maybe, she's been in constant pain and suffering. Her only reprieve coming when her body gave into the unconsciousness. But what else was new?

"Can you get me to a hospital?"

"No, Shepard. Not why I'm here. Must show you your present. Ghost...of Christmas present. Christmas, Earth holiday celebrated on the 25th day of the twelfth month of the Gregorian calendar. Involves exchanging gifts, food, family...love. Decorations, trees, lights. So wasteful, you Humans."

"Mordin, please! I need help!" she pleaded.

"Yes, let's get you up. Much to show you. No time to waste. Just like old times," he smirked.

Most Humans probably couldn't read Salarian facial expressions. They were a very serious species and didn't smile ofter, but Shepard knew. She knew Mordin and his expressions, his likes, dislikes, his moods. She missed him.

"But you died curing the Genophage. I'm sorry, Mordin. It should have been me. I should have been the one to go up there, to sacrifice myself. It happened so fast, I couldn't stop you. I wanted to. I didn't want another name on my conscience, on the shrine on the Normandy."

"Nonsense. Had to be me. You knew. Already discussed it. Had to be me, not you. I did my job, you did yours. Very well, too. Let me show you now."

Shepard nodded as Mordin reached down to grab her hand in the same way that Ash had done. Her pain was gone instantly upon taking Mordin's hand. She hopped up and let the Salarian guide her towards a bright green light. The color was a lot easier on her eyes than the blinding icy bluish white that she saw with Ash.

"Are you sure I'm not dead? Ash said I wasn't, but this doesn't feel like a dream."

"You are correct. Not a dream. Hmmm, how to explain. Oh yes, similar to out of body experience."

"That's what Ash said, but that doesn't make sense either. I'm so confused, Mordin. Please, just tell me what's going on. Am I going to die?"

"Death a possibility. You have sustained multiple life threatening injuries. Blood loss, unimaginable pain, fear, exposure to the elements, brain chemistry out of whack from fall, concussion probable, broken bones, burns, cuts. Most importantly, broken will to live. Most harmful. Bones can be fixed but not if you wish to die. No more Cerberus. We, your guides, are your only chance this time. Let us help."

"When do I get to make my choice?"

"Soon. Later. After...after your next and final guide."

"One more guide?"

"Yes, but we are not done yet. Haven't even started. Shall we?" he asked, gesturing toward the light.

Shepard nodded and took a deep breath. No pain.

They entered the light, hand in hand, and came out in some military tent. There were soldiers standing all around, others running from post to post. The power would flicker on and off while comm channels cut in and out. It was complete bedlam, chaos ruled supreme.

Coming in through the doors on the opposite side, she saw a familiar face. Steel blue eyes staring right through her, a deep scar on his cheek. The posture and carriage of an admiral was not easily mistaken.

_Hackett._

He rushed by the pair. Shepard followed his every move with her eyes, almost afraid to blink. She chalked that up to habit, eyes glued to a superior officer.

"Time to follow," said Mordin softly.

"Where are they going?"

"Don't know."

They followed the group of marines, Hackett's advisors and body guards, back into an adjoining tent. He sat down behind a small rickety desk and sighed. He ran his hands through his gray hair before reaching for a glass of water that someone handed to him and downing it quickly.

_"Any sign of Shepard?"_ was his first question. He said it like it was the only question.

_"We are scouting the wreckage that fell for her, uh, her b-body, sir. No sign of her. Word from the group on the Citadel said the same. Preliminary reports confirm that it was Admiral Anderson's body that was recovered last night, but still no sign of the Commander."_

Shepard wanted to yell that she was right there. She wanted to tell them where to find her body, where to look. She wanted to take them out there herself right away. She wanted to explain what happened to Anderson. She opened her mouth to do just that, but nothing came out.

"Can't hear you, Shepard. Can't see or feel you. We are apprehensions, ghosts if you will."

"MORDIN! You said I wasn't dead! You said I—"

"No, not yet, Shepard. To them, right now, you are something similar."

"So what am I supposed to be seeing? That people are searching from my body? Easy enough. They are looking for everyone's body, I imagine. What's next?"

"More to it than that."

Shepard turned around with the rest of the marines when someone cleared their throat behind them. In the doorway stood both the Turian and Asari Councilors.

_"Clear the room,"_ Hackett instructed. The rest of the marines filed out, one bringing in an extra chair for the Turian. When the door was closed, he let out a long sigh as he shook his head disappointingly.

_"Still no sign of the Commander?"_ asked Councilor Tevos.

_"I'm afraid not."_

_"We owe it to her, to everyone, to find her body at the very least. She deserves a proper burial this time. My people are asking about her. We still need her. She is our symbol of hope, hope to get back to Palaven, to rebuild, to move on,"_ said Councilor Sparatus.

_"We are doing everything we can. We don't leave soldiers, any part of them, behind,"_ Hackett assured them.

"They left me behind once," Shepard huffed.

All five of them turned around quickly when Wrex walked in with a loud snarl. Shepard couldn't help but smile at her old friend's tactful entrance.

_"Have you found her yet?"_ he bellowed, forgoing pleasantries.

_"No, Wrex. We are looking as fast as we can."_

_"We may have to accept the fact that there might not be a body to find,"_ Tevos interjected.

Wrex let out a surly growl at her, but other than that he didn't justify her sentence with an answer.

_"I'll get Aralakh Company on it. Grunt won't rest till his Mama is found,"_ the Krogan snickered.

_"Wrex, we have all available man power out looking for—"_ Hackett tried to say.

_"Sometimes you have to send a Krogan to find one. Grunt will find her; they're family. I'm family. She was the only one with enough of a quad to give the Krogan a second chance. The Krogan owe her for our future, twice now. We owe it to her to make sure that gets hers."_

_"It's been four days. I don't know much about Human biology, but how long can one woman hold out before succumbing to her death?"_ ask Tevos.

_"She's the strongest pyjak I've ever met. If anyone can hold out, it's her. And she will hold on. We'll find her, get her back to her mate, and then we'll discuss this business about a planet for my people."_

Without another word, Wrex turned around and left, almost gracefully so, as graceful as a Krogan could manage, leaving the others to furrow their brows in confusion.

_"She has a mate?"_ ask the curious Asari.

Hackett raised his brow, deep in thought, then shrugged his shoulders.

"What the hell was that about, Mordin?" Shepard asked.

"They look for you. Both your loved ones and the leaders of the galaxy. Everyone still needs you, your mission isn't done yet. You needed to know," was his soft reply.

"Why are they looking for me? What mission? Wait, why are they still on Earth?"

"Relays damaged. Currently under repairs."

"How long will that take?"

"Ask next guide. They will know."

"Have it your way...So, it's been four days. How come I'm not dead yet?"

"You heard the Krogan. You are stubborn. Cybernetics also a possibility. Just speculation, nothing concrete. Decision has not yet been made."

"I already made my decision. I want to live. I need to see Kaidan again."

"Not only decision you need to make."

"What else is there?"

"To forgive."

"To forgive who? My parents?"

"Yourself, Shepard."

"I still don't understand... And why are they wasting resources on me? Their priority should be to the relays."

"Why is that, Shepard?"

"There are people, other species possible dying out there right now! They need to get home. Home to their people, to their loved ones, so they can rebuild and search for their own heroes," Shepard insisted.

"Shepard, you are everyone's hero."

"Dammit, Mordin! I didn't do anything! All I did was walk toward a stupid fucking red light because I wanted to see Kaidan again. It wasn't rocket science. I didn't cure the Genophage, you did. I didn't really end the Quarian/Geth conflict, Legion and Tali did. I just stood by and watched, told Joker which direction to point the ship.

"Maybe I should have picked Synthesis. I didn't think about it much before. It sounded stupid. Was that the right choice? Did I make another mistake, rush to the red light too soon? That would have saved everyone, EDI, the Geth."

"Hmmm. Living tissue into mechanical parts, metals, alloys, circuits? Adipose, muscle, cells into cybernetics? Instantaneously? Hard to comprehend, even for my advanced brain. Not surprised in your hesitation. Against everyone's will, no one's permission? Powerful action. Interesting, a god-like decision."

Shepard stared at him blankly for a moment. "I don't want to be a god. I just wanted to help people, atone for the shitty things that I've done, for killing the last Rachni queen, for sacrificing Ash. For robbing Kaidan's family and countless others on the streets. How many kids did I get hooked on red sand? How many of them did I destroy."

"Oh, Shepard...your guilt is deep seeded. Understandable but unnecessary. You saved enough souls four days ago to be cleansed of your past. You secured enough futures to be forgiven. You can be free of that guilt if you choose," Mordin sighed at the pain he knew Shepard carried. He placed a gentle hand on her shoulder for comfort as the green light appeared again. "This is your present. Let us continued. "

They walked into the light, the mellow green embracing her gently. On the other side, she was on the Normandy. More specifically, in her cabin, in _their_ cabin. The normal blue from the fish tank was gone, replaced by harsh reds from the emergency backup systems.

The place was a mess. Clothes, datapads, her model ships strung around the room. It looked like a disaster area and her heart sank when she realized that they must have crashed. She raced out as fast as she could, the elevator door opened like it was waiting for her. The door closed and opened immediately to the engineer deck.

She raced out with Kaidan's name on her lips, the name she'd scream until her voice gave out, but her words feel upon deaf ears. Adams walked right passed her, not a look, nothing to indicate that he heard her or even saw her.

It felt horrible to be a ghost, to scream and yell and try to be heard only to be ignored.

"I'm sorry, Mordin. I'm so sorry that you're a ghost now. I...if I could've changed it, I would have."

"No, Shepard. That was my choice to make and I made it. I was getting old anyway. Not much time left. I went out on my own terms, my own way, doing the right thing. Worry not, do not feel guilt or sadness. Feel...happy for me. Dying doing the right thing, getting it right."

Shepard nodded, trying to understand how Mordin could be so understanding when she herself had spent so many nights alone in her cabin crying and begging for the ghosts to give her forgiveness.

And now here they were, giving her just that, Ash and now Mordin. Sure, it was most likely a dream, a fucked up hallucination, but it felt nice. It felt good to hear those words. She needed that. She wanted that. Since Ash, since Mordin, since everything. And now all she needed was—

"KAIDAN!"

Shepard saw him in the engine room and rushed to him, dropping to her knees beside him. But she couldn't touch him. She tried, but she couldn't.

Kaidan was crouched down elbows deep into the guts of a panel he was working on. His face hardened and bruised, scrapes and cuts dissecting his skin, mouth clamped shut into a thin line of intense concentration and wrath.

_"Kaidan,"_ came a quiet voice behind them._ "Kaidan, you need to take a break. You've been work—"_

_"I'll take a break when we're back in the air, when I'm home, when I have her in my arms again. Are the comms back up yet?"_

_"Traynor said another day or two. If you won't take a break, at least stop and talk to me for a minute,"_ Liara replied.

_"Liara, you know I can't stop. We have to get off this godforsaken planet. We need to get back to Earth. It's been four days. Joker said it'd take at least two more to get back home if, IF we leave today."_

_"You know the Normandy won't be ready for at least a week."_

_"SHUT! UP!"_ Kaidan yelled. He closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths. _"Sorry, I, I'm just a little on edge right now. Vega needs to get the coffee maker up and running before I go on a rampage."_

_"Did you sleep last night?"_

Kaidan just let out a noncommittal huff.

_"You need to rest. You're no good to us if you work yourself to death."_

_"Liara, I love you, but right now the only thing I need to do is to get back to Earth, find Jane, and punch her in the fucking face! If she has left me again, I will go all the way to hell to bring her back so I can kill her myself! Okay...maybe not the punching part."_

Shepard smiled proudly at that. "I love you too, K."

Liara looked on sadly, but she understood. It was either pour himself into his work like he did after Shepard's death, or he would lose it, his sanity, his mind, his will to live.

"A shame we never met. He clearly loves you," Mordin said.

"Yeah, I know. I think I'm ready to make my choice now. Forgiveness, right? That's it?"

"Not just forgiveness, acceptance, the will to live."

"I do want to live. I want to get back to Kaidan. I want to live for him."

"You have to live for yourself. Acceptance. Last guide will help with that. Should be getting back."

She took one last long gaze upon Kaidan's face. All she wanted to do was kiss a smile onto those sad lips, but she had to get back first, back to the pain. She could do it; she could take it, the suffering, for Kaidan. Grunt was coming for her. Wrex was right, she had to hold on.

The green light disappeared as they stepped back onto the battlefield. Dawn was approaching, the ugly dark gray haze shifting into soft pinks as the sun began its accent into the sky. Mordin helped her back down, both hands wrapped around Shepard's resting on her stomach.

"You were a good friend to me. Salarians not known for their friendships. You are an anomaly. It was...a pleasure serving you. Hope I helped with your decision. Make the sacrifices worth it."

"I, Mordin?"

"Yes, Shepard?"

"Thank you...for everything."

"Always happy to help my friend. Wouldn't mind a Mordin Shepard-Alenko," he smirked.

"I'll see what I can do, but I image they'd have to share that name with a helluva lot of Krogan babies."

"Ah yes, my legacy."

"And it's a good one," Shepard said as she closed her eyes.


	4. Ghost of Christmas Future (Legion)

A/N: The Ghost of Christmas Future. Mucho angst, but then future fluff! Thank you so much for the favs and follows and comments!

*Warning* Brief mentions of suicide.

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><p>Shepard woke up with the noon sun beating down on the back of her neck. She tried to move, but it was a struggle.<p>

_How did I get on my stomach?_

She tried to turn over. Her arms weren't strong enough. She couldn't push the weight of herself up. She had to move. She needed to be found. She lifted her head, nothing but miles and miles of debris, twisted metal, huge piles of concrete, glass shards. Pain.

She felt like she was in the middle of an impact crater. Everything was flattened under her. It seemed to fit because her body may have been hit with a meteor. Who was she to argue?

How did she survive?

A strong wind blew sideways across her body. It stirred up dust that sandblasted her face, the tiny grains wedging themselves into every cut on her body, burrowing down into her blood vessels to be carried and deposited in her lungs. God, it hurt. The burning, the scratching, the wheezing.

Maybe she couldn't hold out. Ash? Mordin? They were dead. She was delirious. She should have asked that Mordin hallucination about the brain chemistry thing again. Was anyone really looking for her? Was Kaidan?

The pain was a good sign. It meant she was still alive, that her body hadn't given up just yet. But she hadn't seen anyone in how long? This...this was day five, right? She was hungry. Her pain had made her forget, but now she was starving and thirsty. So thirsty!

She didn't have her armor. Extra pockets stuffed with energy bars and emergency water supplies. Environmental controls, stims and medi-gel stashes. Protection from the elements, from the sand and dust, and who knew what sort of chemical exposures were floating around her.

How come she hadn't seen anyone yet?

How come no one had found her?

Are they really looking?

She was there, waiting!

"I'm right here! Grunt! Please!"

The day turned into night, but her strength was only depleting. She tried to move again, to crawl along the ground, to slither like a serpent searching for signs of life. The sun rose steadily. The sun set once more. The darkness brought a cold breeze that gifted her body an uncontrollably shiver as it wafted into the broken fabric of her fatigues.

The sun rose.

The sun set.

The sun...fuck the sun! It was taunting her now.

"Shepard-Commander."

Her eyes nearly popped out of their sockets.

_Legion._

She felt strong yet gentle hands wrap around her chest to pull her to her feet. Her pain was gone the instant the cold metal of Legion's hand touched her skin. She turned around slowly.

"Do Geth hug? I don't care, I'm gonna do it anyway!" Shepard nearly squealed with glee as she wrapped her arms around the hard body of Legion. "I missed you, buddy!"

"This unit's, Legion's, soul has felt longing for you in return. I will be your last guide."

"You're going to be showing me my future, right? Ghost of Christmas Future and whatnot? What would have happened if I picked each option, Control, Synthesis, Destroy. What would happen to Kaidan. Then, you'll tell me to choose again, right?"

"That is incorrect. Let us walk while I explain."

Shepard furrowed her brow, but nodded.

"What would have happened if you had picked Control?"

"I would have brought peace to the galaxy, ushered in a knew golden age with the lost knowledge of previous cycles. Repaired the relays, got people home. Left Kaidan to be an empty shell of himself."

"That is also incorrect. He would eventually kill himself when the pain, the grief, and the hatred he has for you leaving him finally consumed him. Your lives, your fates are tied together. Without the other half of his soul, he will be lost. Not empty, but incomplete, incapacitated."

Shepard nearly had a panic attack when she finally processed the words. She shook her head violently. "I don't want that! No! I don't want him to hate me, to kill himself!"

"It is alright, Shepard-Commander. He is safe at the moment. As for the rest of the galaxy, you would have brought peace, but not everlastingly so. Organics would have eventually grown to resent being ruled by machines."

"I wouldn't have ruled them, I would have fixed the galaxy before initiating self-destruct to all of the Reapers."

"Even a heart such as yours, your body and soul no longer bound by a physical self, would have eventually given in to the need to subjugate them. Your goal, your drive to correct, to 'fix' mistakes, your own and others, would have never been finished. The galaxy is imperfect. Your futile quest to fix that would have transformed you into a tyrant, a stubborn one at that, bending the galaxy to your will, to how an all-encompassing yet imperfect mind would want it to be.

"You are imperfect, but you're not flawed. You are exactly who you needed to be, what the galaxy needed you to be. But in the end, eventually, the war would start once more and organics would have never stood a chance against your Reapers this time. There would be no you to stop you."

"Okay, I understand, but what about with Synthesis?"

"Changing beings at the molecular level would have also altered their whole essence, everything that made them unique. DNA, the Human Genome that makes every one of you an individual, would have been destroyed, altered. Everything that made the Geth different from organics would have been destroyed, the things that make one species different from another.

"Life would be...boring.

"No diversity or individualism, the very thing that the Geth crave would have been taken away from every being without their consent. That would have been tragic. At an apex, the only way to go is down. Life without purpose, without the ability to evolve would be stagnant, would die out slowly and painfully until the next unaffected organisms evolved from the primordial ooze to start anew, eventually leading to the very same conflict. Square one.

"Kaidan would not have committed suicide, but this time he _would_ have been transformed into a hollowed out husk of his former self, stuck in an endless loop of old memories. An altered man from Synthesis, in a body that was no longer his own, but also from being left behind...again. Wanting to die but being unable to do so in his new form. It would be torture for him."

"So, I picked the right one? Then, what are you even here for? No offense, it's good seeing you, but I'm confused. I thought it was acceptance."

"Yes. Here is our portal," Legion said as a red light appeared before them.

They stepped through and into a small living room. It was decorated for Christmas, but there was something heavy in the air, something that made Shepard uncomfortable. Through the door came a physical body not unlike the one she currently had alongside Kaidan, but there was something wrong.

"What is this?"

"Christmas, two years from now. This is not acceptance. _You_ become the hollowed out shell. You lived for him, and only for him. Your life doesn't matter to this version of yourself. You are both bitter and angry, at each other and yourselves."

"What are we fighting about? Why can't I hear them?"

"This is a Shepard-Commander who couldn't accept her mistakes, couldn't move passed them to embrace her fate. One that can not accept who she is, can not accept love from others because she doesn't accept herself as the person everyone knows her to be, that Kaidan knows her to be, needs her to be."

"What happens to us?"

"Anger and resentment grow between you. Kaidan watches you torture and punish yourself for things long since forgotten by others and it's painful for him. You both drink yourselves into early graves, and both are too stubborn to leave the other, unable to with souls so intertwined. For you, his pain is your punishment. It will break you both."

"I won't let that happen. I know this now, I'll leave him in peace."

"By dying here? One look at your body and he will kill himself on the spot."

"Then, I'll just breakup with him later!"

The light appeared and they stepped through. They stepped out into a funeral.

"No! No, please! I don't want to see this!"

"It is not what you think. This isn't his."

"Geez, Legion! You scared the shit out of me!"

"This is the funeral of the family he kills."

Shepard went pale at that. She had no words.

"You leave him. You think you do it for his own good, that you are helping, but that is an incorrect assumption. One night, he will drink too much trying to forget the pain and loneliness, and this family will pay the price with their lives. And his will be forever riddled with guilt."

"No, I'll make sure he's okay, that he finds someone worthy of him."

"There is...only you."

Shepard was torn between happiness and sorrow. Happy because Kaidan needed her, loved her. Sad because Shepard thought he deserved and should have someone so much better than her.

"I'm no good for him. Can't you see that? I want better for him!"

"Didn't Ash show you? You are tied, your souls seek out the other regardless of what you want. This truth is the one you need to accept. There is no Shepard without Vakarian. And there is no Alenko without Shepard."

"Legion, I—"

"We have one more. Christmas, five years from now," he said as the red light appeared.

Shepard sighed in defeat but followed. This time they were transported into a beautiful living room. Floor to ceiling windows gave an unobstructed view of an ocean. It smelled like cinnamon and...something else that she couldn't identify but made her warm inside. A huge tree was the main focus, decked out with red, green, and blue ornaments, presents stacked a mile high underneath.

Shepard was about to speak, to ask where they were when the front door opened. She heard voices and footsteps getting louder and louder until she saw the offenders. An older her and Kaidan, both with a kid on their shoulders, one wrapped around her leg, and another straggling behind.

_"Time for everyone to open their one present for the night,"_ said the older version of herself. Her hair was a little longer, Kaidan's a little grayer.

She handed out the appropriate gift to the right child, and they tore into them immediately. Their parents looked on proudly and happily. The older Shepard joined Kaidan at his side, brought a box to him, kissed him, and told him "Merry Christmas."

Kaidan looked at her skeptically before opening it. He laughed that smooth laugh of his when he saw what was inside. _"What is this for, Jane? You already have one."_

_"Yes, but this one's for you. I literally owed it to you,"_ she said with a nervous laugh._ "You should have gotten one as a kid. Eighteen, I think."_

_"H-how? How did you know that? It was supposed to be from my father."_

The older Shepard looked away from him out of guilt and shame.

_"You were the one who robbed us?"_ he laughed again. This time it was loud and unrestrained.

_"I...I'm sorry."_

_"And you've been brooding ever since, haven't you? You are so hard on yourself, Sweetheart. You could have stolen the clothes off my back and I would have still fallen for you. Look at this! Our future sitting right in front of us. Don't dwell in the past when we have so much to look forward to. So much to be thankful for, to be happy about. You had it rough for a long time, I know, but that's over now. I'm here now. Time to accept it and move on. Heaven forbid, Jane Shepard is happy," he smirked._

The older Shepard wrapped her arms around him and pulled him close, foreheads gently resting on the other's. They stood there for a moment holding the other until a tug on Kaidan's pant leg forced him to pull away.

_"What is it, Little Legion?"_

_"Daddy, Mama needs her present!" _said the little boy with bright greens eyes full of excitement.

Kaidan nodded and went towards the tree. He reached back underneath and pulled out a small box wrapped in brown paper. He brought it back over to where the older Shepard was who opened it carefully. When she pulled off the lid, she started to cry.

_"Do you like it?"_ Kaidan asked, head pressed sweetly onto Shepard's.

The older Shepard reached in and pulled out a small wooden spaceship. _"No, Kaidan...I love it! I love you!"_

_"I do too, since the second I saw you. I mean, I was surprised that we started making out in the middle of the dance floor, but when they dragged you away...I thought I'd never see you again. Guess fate had other plans."_

_"You remember that?"_

_"I was a little drunk, and I wasn't sure until you kissed me again on the Normandy, but yeah! What kind of husband would I be if I forgot the first time I kissed my beautiful wife? A dead one, probably," _he teased.

"This can be my future?" Shepard asked Legion.

"Yes, Shepard-Commander. If it is what you want."

"Yes! I want this one!"

"This is your acceptance. It will be a difficult undertaking to get to that point, but he will be there to help you accept yourself the way he wholeheartedly does. You must never forget where you came from, but you can no longer let it hold you back."

"I understand now."

"You were a good friend to me, Jane. I hope that I have returned the favor."

Out of the corner of her eye, Shepard saw something shiny. A Geth came in from the kitchen carrying a tray of cookies and real milk. The kids ran to him but it refused to lower its arms to their level until the older Shepard gave the unit a nod of approval.

"Legion, how do they have a Geth?"

"You will take Spike in like you did Grunt. As your son."

"Ha! No, I mean that I thought all the Geth died."

"That is incorrect. Where did you get this data?"

"The Catalyst."

"The flawed machine."

"It lied to me?"

"Out of the desire for self preservation."

"EDI?"

"She is fine."

"Oh, thank the Spirits! What about the relays?"

"They will be fixed before this time next year."

"Okay, so Ash helped me acknowledge that I was loved even for my mistakes, Mordin helped me forgive myself for the things that I have done like everyone else does, and you're here to help me accept myself and the choice that I made up there?"

"That is correct. Did it work?"

"I'll say! You could have just shown me this and saved a lot of time."

"No, we could not. You can only accept after you acknowledge and forgive. It was the only way. We, our journey together, with Mordin and Ash, has given you the strength you needed to move, to keep moving, to dig yourself out of the rubble so that you may live. The galaxy is not done with you yet, Shepard-Commander."

"Okay. So does this mean that I am going to be found? Rescued? I really want to get back to Kaidan now."

"He is on his way. You need to keep moving. Remember, no matter how much it hurts, you can not stop."

"I'll remember. Thank you Legion, for being my friend, for helping me."

"It has been my honor. Now, we must part."

With that, the room faded away.


	5. Grunt to the Rescue

A/N: Shepard's rescue! This is my first experiment with alternating pov's in the same chapter, Grunt and Shepard. Hope I didn't screw it up... And once again thank you for favs, follows, and comments. So happy people like it!

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><p>Grunt was getting tired. He'd been searching for his Human equivalent to a surrogateadopted mother for three days straight. No rest, little food, not nearly enough for a Krogan his size, and aching bones from moving and shifting through rubble.

He knew Shepard would hold on for as long as she could, but the disparaging remarks from everyone else were starting to wear on him.

_"No one could have survived that fall."_

_"So, if we find her, she's not Human? It's Shepard! She'll find a way."_

_"No man, not with that fall."_

_"She's strong. She took down all the Reapers and a thresher maw pretty much single handedly."_

_"Strong has nothing to do with it! There is only so long that a body can survive without food or water. That's just basic biology."_

Grunt gave both of the chatty marines behind him a wicked snarl that nearly turned them both white with fright. He turned back around to smile at the fear that he instilled in them, but it was meaningless.

_What if..._

NO! He couldn't think like that. Shepard was a Krogan through and through. She'd hold out. She was doing her part. She didn't have redundancy systems like Krogan, but she was tough. Now Grunt just had to do was his part.

"Move out," he grumbled to the combined Krogan, Human, and Turian troops he was put in charge of for the rescue and recovery mission.

He was still young. He didn't have the amount of experience that Wrex had, even with all his imprinting, he was still a young pup. But the Urdnot Clan leader entrusted him with his most important mission to date. He had to find Shepard, and he was _not_ going to fail either one of them. He was not going to rest until Shepard was found.

"Grunt," said one of the Turians.

He snarled again, but turned around to face him.

"We need to go back. They can't push on like you can. We'll take them back and get new troops. Then, we'll come back with rested men. They will be more efficient; they'll work harder and faster."

Grunt thought for a moment. He didn't want to leave Shepard out there alone for a second longer than he had to, but the Turian had a point. Seven months, even seven days, earlier he wouldn't have taken Turian advice for anything, but he was right. He had a valid point.

It was going to take them at least two hours to get back to the main base to rotate out the troops. Two hours to get back. That was unacceptable. He let out a hefty sigh.

_Where are you Shepard?_

He sighed, "You may be right, Turian."

"I'll round them up for the trek back."

Ten minutes later, Grunt was marching back towards civilization with a mismatched group of soldiers who days earlier were fighting for their lives. Miles and miles of London stretched out before him, most still under rubble and debris. Most flattened and crushed under the iron fist of war.

"We're going through the flats," Grunt instructed.

"It's not stable. That area is still off limits," huffed the Turian.

"We are going through the flats or we aren't going at all. It'll cut out an hour off our time, time that is better spent looking for Commander Shepard!"

"You're taking your life into your own hands. I'm not ordering my troops to follow that command. It's insane! The ground is unstable. The debris is too thick. There is no way she's in there. And if she was...she's de—"

"Aralahk Company! Through the flats!" Grunt ordered before the Turian could finish. The group split into two. Krogans going one way, the Humans and Turians going another.

**XoXoX**

Shepard shook her head trying to save off the buzzing and dizziness behind her eyes. Legion had just left her. She was back on the battlefield alone once more. But something was different. She was on her feet this time.

A few days ago, she was buried under rubble that she couldn't have lifted herself. When Mordin showed up, she was further from the place she was buried. When Legion showed up, she was flat on her stomach far away from the rubble that was to be her tomb. And now...now she's on her feet.

Broken bones aching within her, her ribs starting to dig into her lungs, her shoulder so out of place that she knew it would never heal right. A swollen ankle that'll probably be her downfall. It was most likely broken. There was a huge potential for blood clots to hammer the nails shut in her coffin if they broke free to run rampant through her veins.

She wanted to sit down, wanted to fall down.

But Legion's words echoed in her ears.

_"You need to keep moving. Remember, no matter how much it hurts, you can not stop."_

And oh god, how it hurt.

_"...keep moving..."_

So she did. One foot in front of the other. One swollen foot followed by one normal—yet equally achy—foot. How she wished she had a cane, a shoulder to lean on, a railing of some sort to support some of her weight. The dead weight that was dragging her down, threatening to give her up to gravity. Or down to gravity.

She couldn't give up now. She had to find help, had to get to a hospital, had to be ready for Kaidan when he made it back from wherever he was. She could do it. She _would_ do it. For the future she won for herself and the galaxy. She won't waste it. She told them that she wouldn't, Ash, Mordin, Legion, and she meant it.

**XoXoX**

Grunt was beyond tired. It was still dark out but the sun was starting to stir, teasing them with the first promises of light pouring down from the sky. His team was drudging along, following their leader, searching for their hope.

They came over a ridge to the flats. They had to climb a small mountain of debris and rubble to get to the part of London that was flattened by the war. After climbing back down the other side, they would have a four mile walk to the edge, and two miles after that to reach the Alliance compound.

Grunt's team could make it over the flats. Then, he'd get a new set of soldiers to help him with his search. Grab a bite before heading back out. Checking in with Wrex before doing so.

News reached them last night that the Normandy was up and running. She'd be here the day after tomorrow, or now just tomorrow, bringing his family and friends, more help with his burden to find their friend, their mother, their brother, _their_ hope.

Suddenly, the wind shifted and he smelt something...

Something...familiar?

Something unique. Something comforting. The scent of Human blood on the wind, a metallic smell he knew all too well. It had to be, just had to be. There was no one else who smelled like that. No one with that scent, that fragrance, that combination of sweat to soap. It had to be her.

It had to be Shepard!

He followed his nose. His group followed behind but remained silent while he puttered around. A few meters to the south from where they reached the top of the mountain of metal, he found the blood stained slab that had once trapped his Human mother.

"Shepard!" he yelled with all his might.

A trail of footsteps led down the hill and onto the flats. Grunt's mind began racing. It was dangerous out there. Dangerous for a Krogan and much too dangerous for a squishy Human. He had to find her, had to get to her NOW, before something worse happened to her.

He followed the trail, followed the scent, followed his instincts when they both dried up. Grunt could tell that Shepard's walk was labored, she was hurt, her broken body stumbling and falling leaving smudges of dark red on the rubble.

Grunt was running now, following the breadcrumbs. The sound of the heavy footfalls of his comrades ringing in his ears from behind. He heard one go down, but he couldn't stop. He had to keep going, he had to find her.

In the distance.

A dot, a figure, more debris, a person...Shepard?

"Shepard!"

**XoXoX**

Shepard's ears twitched.

_Did someone just...no._

"Shepard," Grunt yelled with all his might.

There it was again.

Yes, it was her name. Someone was saying her name, yelling her name. It was low and rumbling, the sound waves tickling her ears, making the hairs on the back of her neck stand on end.

From behind her.

She spun around, struggling to will her consciousness not to give out on her when she did. Her feet were starting to shake, knees going weak. A figure in the distance was getting bigger. It was heading right for her. The faint outline of a...

"Grunt?"

_No...No, no, no! He can't be...Mordin said only one more...only one more ghost, only Legion. Not, oh god, not Grunt! _Tears began to fall at the thought of Grunt being a ghost. He was so young, a baby, an infant. He was...

"SHEPARD!" yelled the Krogan, still a ways away from her.

She fell to her knees. This was it. She was done. She had stopped. Legion told her not to, but she did. She wouldn't be able to stand up again. How had she stood in the first place? It didn't matter. She was down now.

It was...over.

She was falling, on her face, on her hands, the pain of the impact reverberating up into her bad shoulder, burning and stabbing every inch of her body. But she was too tired to hurt, to brace herself for impact. She was done.

Darkness.

**XoXoX**

Grunt watched her go down. He was helpless to stop it because he was still too far away. He tried to move faster, but he was already at full-speed. So, he watched her. Shaky, tired legs giving out, her elbows giving out, her eyes shutting tight, her cheek hitting the concrete.

"I'm coming Shepard!"

The Earth shook when Grunt hit the ground beside her. He rolled Shepard over on her back, green eyes trying but failing to stay open. They only flickered briefly before closing once more. He looked down at her, at the Savior of the Galaxy. He wanted to scoop her up, run with her to the hospital, to the base, to the nearest doctor, but he couldn't.

They were holding him back, pulling him away.

He was fighting so hard to break free, to get back to his Mama's side. To hold her, to carry her, to protect her, to deliver her to Wrex, to Hackett. No, just to Kaidan.

"Grunt!" said a voice. And then a head butt came from the side hitting some sense into him. "She's hurt. She's soft. You have to be careful."

He looked up in shock. A Krogan? Talking like that? But it wasn't a Krogan, it was the Turian. He followed them, the Humans and Turians all followed them onto the flats.

Grunt looked over at Shepard. She was still breathing. He looked just behind her to the Humans beside her. They were building something, rolling her onto their makeshift stretcher, lifting her up, carrying her now.

They were all running again, every last one. Fast! For two miles they ran, Grunt right behind her, keeping one eye on her and the other in front ready to leap out ahead and stomp anything that got in their way into dust.

Then, in the distance, he spotted a group of Salarians and Asari. He ran out ahead preparing to steam roll them out of Shepard's way, but they were only there to help. They were doctors; medi-gel, omni-tools, stims out at the ready.

Someone had ran ahead of them taking news that they found Shepard as they begged for doctors to follow. They did and called for an evac. Word continued on to Hackett, throughout the whole Alliance, over the whole planet and into the galaxy. Like a wildfire, the news spread before Shepard even made it off the battlefield.

**XoXoX**

The pounding of feet over uneven terrain jostled her from sleep. She tried to move, tried to look around, but she couldn't. It was almost impossible to keep her eyes open, light alternating with dark. She was strapped down, Human's, Turians, and Krogan carrying her forward into the rising sun.

"Grunt!" she tried to yell, but hardly anything came out. Her throat was dry, her voice hoarse from yelling Kaidan's name. "Grunt!" she tried again. No response.

Then, the running slowed. It came to a stop. She was gently lowered back down to the ground as unfamiliar faces towered over her. Injections, the feel of medi-gel cooling her wounds, repairing her body, stims pumping her full of adrenaline and epinephrine to keep her heart going, to keep her pain at bay.

"Grunt," she whispered.

"Shepard," came a booming voice.

She stretched out her hand, they had loosened the restraints. It was cold and covered in dried blood, dust, and tears, but Grunt took it anyway. Shepard's five fingers squeezing the Krogan's three. Their eyes locked onto one another.

"Am..._*cough*_...am I, uh, are you a...ghost?"

"Heh, heh. Not yet."

"I'm alive?"

"Yeah, Shepard. We're alive."

"Alenko?" she whispered. Somehow she had the sense not to use Kaidan's first name in front of a crowd of strangers.

"The Normandy is on her way home. Everyone's fine."

"EDI?"

"I said on their way."

"The Geth?"

"How can I assist you, Shepard-Commander?" came a mechanical voice to her left.

Shepard started to sob at that. Her friends, her family, her Kaidan, they all survived. EDI, the Geth. Everyone was fine. They were coming home. Her body still hurt, but that was fading. The drugs were doing their magic and she was going to make it. They were all going to make it.

A medical transport arrived to take her to the hospital. They tried to keep Grunt off the shuttle, but a few looks from Aralahk Company and they swiftly changed their minds. She was loaded up and taken to the make shift hospital on the base. Hackett was waiting at the door when they arrived, Tevos and Sparatus flanking him. Hackett gave her a salute when she passed, all marines in sight following his lead and doing the same for her all the way into the operating room.

She was immediately rushed into surgery, Miranda by her side to help where she could. Grunt and Wrex paced the floor. Hackett went back to his office to start working on a statement. And for the first time in four years, Shepard slept like a log, not even so much as a nightmare. Although, most of that was thanks to the anesthesia.

* * *

><p>AN2: Tune in tomorrow for the happy, fluffy ending!


	6. A Reunion and a Ring

A/N: The reunion! Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas!

* * *

><p>Kaidan was running. So fast, he was running. As fast as his tired legs could take him, and it hurt but he kept going. On broken legs, not broke only injured, he was running. Grunt had found her, they had found her.<p>

_Alive!_

He hadn't had a good rest in a week. He'd fall asleep everywhere around the ship, at the table, halfway into a console, in the shower which was the most embarrassing. But that would only last a few minutes before he was up and running again. Helping with whatever repairs he could, ordering people off their asses to get shit done. It was his ship at the moment, his orders riding everyone ragged, but they understood. They knew they had to get back, had to get _him_ back.

Liara, Traynor, and EDI tried several times to get him to go to bed, but he couldn't. He could not go back up to their cabin, and he could not bring himself to sleep anywhere else. So, he worked and he worked until he wore himself out.

The comms were the last thing to come back up. The Normandy had just achieved lift off when they came crackling back to life. But that was two days ago. And it brought no comfort, no news, no message of Shepard's safety, of her survival.

Soon, they were passing Neptune, a tiny blue-green planet, that no one bothered to look at. They were all too busy semi-celebrating. Hackett had just announced that Grunt had found her, and everyone broke down. Happy tears. EDI would have shed one if she could have.

But that was hours ago.

Now...he was running.

He bolted out of the Normandy's doors when they opened. There were skycars waiting, but Garrus, Kaidan, and Dr. Chakwas got the first one. All three yelled for the driver to go before the doors were even shut. He obliged.

Before the car stopped, Kaidan was bolting out the door again. Garrus was hot on his heels, but they left the Doc in the dust. She told them to go ahead, and they did. The young marine escorting them could hardly keep up. He barked directions to them from their six as he fell farther and farther behind down the maze-like corridors.

Shepard was in the only private room in the hospital, a luxury she would have insisted on giving up if she had been conscious. It was a nearly bombed out building with missing walls on the top floors, broken windows boarded up, but the generators were working and clean water was flowing. That was all that mattered for the time being.

Kaidan could only see blurs of shapes through his teary eyes, the beeping of machines filling his ears, the smell of antiseptic making him nauseous. He stumbled through Shepard's door, Hackett and Wrex both jumping up from their chairs by her side ready to take down any intruders.

Wrex laughed, soft and low, and Kaidan knew he was in the right room.

He somehow, _somehow,_ managed to make it to the bed, his legs too wobbly to keep him upright any longer, before collapsing in the chair by his Shepard's side that Wrex had vacated. He took a limp hand in his, fearful not to touch her anywhere else that might aggravate her injuries.

He kissed Jane's hand with his dry, cracked lips careful not to disturb any wires or tubes. When a gentle Turian hand landed easy on his back, he lost any last remnant of control over his emotions, joy mixed with sorry mixed with fear mixed with relief mixed with a million other feelings and swirled around and gushed out of him uncontrollably.

"Her mate?" Hackett whispered to Wrex upon seeing the reaction the Major had.

Wrex grunted an approving sound. Not that the question needed an answer; it was obvious.

"Well I'll be damned...I trust you have the situation under control, Wrex. If you'll excuse me, I have some full-disclosure forms to pre-date," winked the Admiral before sneaking out the door. He met Dr. Chakwas in the hall and introduced her to Shepard's doctors before continuing on his way.

The Normandy crew cycled through the room a few at a time before getting checkups and medical clearances themselves. The doctors explained that Shepard would be unconscious for a few days. She was heavily sedated in order to give her body time to heal. She was critical but stable.

No one dared to pull Kaidan away, but that didn't stop them from worrying about him. They took turns watching over him, making sure he ate, bringing him coffee and clean clothes. The hospital had no extra beds to spare, so Grunt stole a bench out of a nearby building for him to sleep on.

It was better than nothing.

He was oddly comforted by the sound of the monitors. They reminded him that Shepard's heart was still beating. Occasionally, they would start going crazy, blinking and beeping wildly, but the doctors would rush in and assure him that everything was fine. It seemed to happen every other time he dozed off like Shepard was playing a joke on him.

If that didn't wake him, the sound of Shepard gasping for air would. He tried to calm her, but he wasn't sure she could even hear him in her unconscious state. He did it anyway, talking soothingly to her, more to comfort himself than anything else. After a minute or two, she would settle down. Sometimes, her eyes would open wide randomly then slam shut, giving Kaidan false hope that she was waking up.

So went the next four days. To Kaidan, it seemed longer than the seven they were away from Earth. But he was mostly able to keep it together thanks to their friends. He'd just sit there and talk to her, about nothing, about everything.

"Wake up so I can tell you not to ever scare me like this again, Jane! I don't know how you did this for me after Mars, but I'm thinking it's time for us to retire. We'll get a house on English Bay, or wherever you want, have some babies, we can even adopt if you want, maybe...maybe get married? We haven't talked about that before, but since you can't tell me to get the hell out, I'll take it as you approving of the discussion.

"Pros and cons. Let's start with pros, shall we? I love you. I think you love me. I'm gonna, hmmm, I'm gonna count that as two..."

**XoXoX**

Shepard was dreaming. This wasn't an out of body experience. There were no ghosts. There was only a voice that was smooth like honey pooling in her ears and flowing directly into her heart.

Was she dreaming?

She was in that funny state in between dreams and reality where the two sometimes merge. It still hurt to breath but not as much. She was aware of the beeping of the monitors and the sound of Kaidan talking about something she wasn't quite conscious enough to recognize. However, the tone was there, warm and loving, cooing sweet nothings that were only meant for her.

Spirits, she loved that man.

She tried to open her eyes, but they wouldn't budge. She wanted to look into those whiskey eyes, but for now, Kaidan's voice was enough. She was in pain, but she was going to live, forever with this man if she got her way. She was—dare she say it?—happy.

_"Can you be happy? For me? If anyone deserves it, it's you, Commander."_

_"Make the sacrifices worth it."_

_"The galaxy is not done with you yet, Shepard-Commander."_

Her eyelids were still heavy, they refused to open, refused to budge, but there was something warm in her hand, hot against her palm, worn and calloused, a finger dancing across her wrist giving her goosebumps. And she heard the beeps from one of the monitors speed up, not much, but just enough for her to catch it.

"...I want kids. I don't know if you do Jane, but I'm counting that as another pro until you correct me. Hmmm, so let's recap our pros for getting married: I love you. You love me. We practically live together anyway. You need someone to keep you grounded, and uh, to keep your ego in check. I need someone who pushes me out of my comfort zone. Maybe kids. And I...well, I just love you. I'll go ahead and count that as more than one. Okay, cons...hmmm, cons..."

"I can't think of any either," Jane whispered, her throat still too sore to speak any louder.

Kaidan's eyes traveled upward over Jane's body slowly. Maybe he was hearing things? He almost didn't want to look. His eyes were focused on studying Shepard's fingers, and he didn't want to be disappointed yet again when she wasn't awake. He decided to chance it anyway.

He was greatly rewarded for his bravery. The most beautiful green eyes in the world were staring back at him, a big crooked smile plastered on Jane's face. Shepard gave his hand a good squeeze and flashed what Kaidan interpreted as a wink at him sending chills cascading down his spine.

"Did I read into that or was it a proposal, K?"

"That depends? Am I reading into _that_ or was it a yes?"

"No, it's a _fuck_ yes!" Jane strained herself trying to speak loud enough for Kaidan to hear her, and it sent her into a coughing fit.

Kaidan's eyes went wide as he jumped up almost in panic. He reached for the water he had been drinking on the table and held the straw up to Shepard's mouth. He went for the call button to summon the nurse but she swatted his hand away.

"Not yet," Shepard mouthed, shaking her head as best as she could. Innocent puppy dog eyes were obviously involved.

"Five more minutes, then I'm calling the nurses and telling them to stick you with something for scaring me so badly, _Commander!_"

Jane cleared her throat. "Rather...have you stick me with something, Major," she whispered with a cheeky grin.

"You're insatiable! I suppose that means you're feeling better?"

She nodded, "You make me better."

"They got you on the good drugs, huh?"

Kaidan leaned down and kissed her sensually on the lips. Shepard wanted to pull him closer, in deeper, but her bad shoulder was protesting and Kaidan held the other tightly out of the way having anticipated her move.

"I guess that means I hid your ring well enough," Kaidan smirked.

"You did not! Are you serious?"

"I'll ask Traynor to fetch it. And then I'll do it right. I was going to give it to you when I came up for a 'quick drink' but you kinda got me drunk."

"You sneaky bastard!"

"Just as well. A Christmas proposal is much more romantic."

"It's..." Shepard tried to continue but that was the moment her voice decided to give out on her.

"Yep, Christmas day started two hours ago. Okay, I'm getting your doctor now."

Shepard rolled her eyes but couldn't help the smile that spread across her face for her beautiful brown eyed biotic. And she certainly couldn't help but stare as that ass sauntered out of the room.

She still wasn't sure whether Ash, Mordin, and Legion were hallucinations or dreams or their actual spirits visiting her, but she didn't care. She was going to forgive herself and accept the decision she made because watching that man, _her fiancé,_ walk back towards her was all the reassurance she needed to know that she made the right choice.

And she wasn't about to wait five years to give him that ship she owed him.

* * *

><p>AN2: I really hoped you liked it. It was fun to write and I appriciate the encouragement and support. I do have a few AU ideas that are rattling around in my head for this pairing and I hope I get around to them sometime soon along with finishing my Badass story that's probably not even halfway done yet. Although, I do have other stories (mostly MShenko that I post elsewhere) that I'm juggling as well, so who knows when that'll be.

Anyway, hope you enjoyed this very angsty Christmas Story! And thanks so much for reading!


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